“Dangerous Levels of Meth Found in Tickle-Me-Elmo Dolls, Massive Recall Ensues”
ATLANTA, GA—Millions of Tickle-Me-Elmo stuffed toys sold during the mid-nineties are now thought to contain lethal levels of crystal methamphetamine that pose an imminent danger to today’s youths. The maker of the toy, Tyco, a subsidiary of Mattel, issued an unprecedented recall yesterday warning consumers “to keep the dolls away from bright strobe lights and to watch out for sexually compulsive behavior – those little buggers will hump anything.”
A member of the Tickle-Me-Elmo development team, who refused to disclose his name in fear of losing his job, told The Phollegian “we couldn’t make a toy that was so incessantly fun-loving and joyous, we needed to give Elmo a chemical edge.” The informant said they tried using alcohol, but that the Elmos became belligerent, foul-mouthed and abusive, “he was known to break a beer bottle or two over someone’s head.”
“I knew something was wrong when I came home and found my 80’s Erasure album still warm in the stereo,” said Betty Gerhart, a homemaker and mother of three in West Hills, NJ. “Elmo was just lying there on the floor all sweaty, complaining about how long it’d been since it didn’t hurt to masturbate.”
In what experts dubbed a breakthrough for the preschool plush toy industry, was in fact “nothing more than a tickling fetish,” said Mrs. Gerhart.
Students at the University of Vermont have already begun organizing an advocacy group to stop the drug from making its way into children products. Matt Vicky, a senior in political science at the school, told reporters “the price of meth is outrageous these days – no thanks to Tickle-Me-Elmo – what’s our government doing to ensure every working American can put meth on the table to feed our families? Absolutely nothing.”
Mattel is asking all consumers to with Tickle-Me-Elmo toys made from 1996 to 2004 with distribution numbers between CRNK-18 to TWEK-93 to return them to “Palisade Heights Detoxification & Rehabilitation Center” in Miami, FL. The toy will be returned within 4 to 12 weeks in a lethargic, emotionally void state substance-free but will have a relapse rate of 89%.
Meanwhile, D.E.A. agents across the nation have begun sting operations on neighborhood playgrounds that have resulted in dozens of pint-sized youths being held without bail. Other children haven’t been as lucky.
“We thought he was going for a gun,” said Joey Coleman, a Newark police officer, who followed Thomas ‘Little Tom’ Mischkin, a third-grader, to school who had a plush red Muppet peeking outside the top of his backpack. A SWAT team tackled him on his way to Ms. Sally’s coloring book class. “We send our deepest respects to the entire Mischkin family. It was a tragic, but necessary, incident. We’re fighting the war on drugs the only way we know how.”
Minus the drug-trafficking charges, still not everyone is pleased with the recall.
“My new Elmo is just no fun,” said Lindsay, 9, Mrs. Gerhart’s daughter. “He no longer feels empty on the inside now – he wants to talk about international politics and literary theory. I want my old Elmo back!”