“Eskimos Inhabit, Claim Old Main Lawn Territory”
The Suvus, an 18-member Esquimaux family, has taken up residence on the Old Main lawn, inhabiting the igloo erected by students after several snowfalls. Having lived there for a full seven days, the Suvu family qualifies for ownership rights to the land under the 1877 No More Polio Blankets And Other Affairs of Indigenous Peoples Act.
“We wanted to get away from Sarah Palin,” said Sharon Suvu, the female head of household. “She doesn’t represent our people. And when I say ‘our people,’ I don’t mean Indians. I mean sane people.”
While ultimately headed to Boca Raton, Florida to sell the elderly long-term care insurance, the family made a short stop at the State College bus terminal to stock up on necessities including whale lard, shotgun ammo, and Joe Paterno bobblehead dolls.
Bobo Suvu, the third eldest of the children, ventured to the Penn State campus, where he spotted the igloo and returned back to the bus terminal to inform his family. “It’s glorious! It’s glorious!” recalled Mark Suvu, his father. “He wouldn’t stop saying it; we thought he ate the red berries. We had to put him down.”
What the family lost in sheer quantity, it gained in quality of life. “In retrospect, we, I mean, I, probably overreacted,” said Mr. Suvu. “It turns out there was an uninhabited igloo centered in the middle of campus. I shouldn’t have snapped his neck like that.”
Unbeknownst to the University administration, the Suvus had taken up permanent residence in the igloo, and according to city documents, have lived there for a full seven days—thereby claiming the territory as their own.
“I think we’re going to set up a casino,” said Mr. Suvu, pondering how his family would subsist. His wife interrupted, “Honey, I think you’re confusing the rights of various indigenous peoples. We’re not allowed to establish casinos.”
“Fuck,” said Mr. Suvu. “Why don’t us Eskimos ever get anything good? Yeah, whale lard? Who the fuck wants to eat whale lard? And how the hell are we supposed to compete with the imported Fair Trade organic whale yard at Wegman’s?”
In accordance with federal policy, wild game has been released in the State College area to mimic natural conditions for the Eskimos to hunt. Hundreds of moose, dozens of seal, and one polar bear, Moe, has been released in the surrounding territory.
While many students support the Suvu family and the Inupiat people, they remain concerned over the wildlife. Moe, in particular, has been causing disturbances ever since it took up residence (by mauling its previous inhabitants) in Stuart Hall, Room 184 several days ago.
“At first, I thought it wouldn’t be so bad having a polar bear living right beneath me, it might even be cool,” said Kyle Humphrey (freshman-chemistry). “But then he started blasting Cascada until 3 a.m. every night. I banged on the floor and told him to keep it down. But he just told me to mind my own fucking business and stop being such a little bitch.”
“I’ve never met such a rude bear,” said Mr. Humphrey.
The Suvus have begun adapting to their State College lifestyle by watching televised football, drinking cheap beer, and provoking petty fights on public transport. Some of the family members have even enrolled in classes. “We feel right at home,” said Mr. Suvu (freshman-French), as he completed his ENGL 015 essay in between deaths during a ‘Gears of War’ gaming session.
“We are Penn State!” said Mr. Suvu before collapsing in a pool of his own vomit. “Never mind him,” said Mrs. Suvu, “He’s just excited to be here.”